Badly poisoned


I really hope that this isn’t what they do to old ladies. A grasp at immortality, 3 months at a time, utilizing the most deadly toxin known to man.

“Botulinum toxin is a protein and neurotoxin produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum. It is the most acutely lethal toxin known, with an estimated human median lethal dose (LD-50) of 1.3–2.1 ng/kg intravenously or intramuscularly and 10–13 ng/kg when inhaled. Botulinum toxin (BTX) can cause botulism, a serious and life-threatening illness in humans and animals. Three forms of botulinum toxin type A (Botox, Dysport and Xeomin) and one form of botulinum toxin type B (MyoBloc) are available commercially for various cosmetic and medical procedures.”*

“Onabotulinumtoxin A (trade name Botox) received FDA approval for treatment of chronic migraines on October 15, 2010. The toxin is injected into the head and neck to treat these chronic headaches. Approval followed evidence presented to the agency from two studies funded by Allergan, Inc. showing a very slight improvement in incidence of chronic migraines for migraine sufferers undergoing the Botox treatment.”*

“Since then, several randomized control trials have shown botulinum toxin type A to improve headache symptoms and quality of life when used prophylactically for patients with chronic migraine who exhibit headache characteristics consistent with: pressure perceived from outside source, shorter total duration of chronic migraines (<30 years), “detoxification” of patients with coexisting chronic daily headache due to medication overuse, and no current history of other preventive headache medications.“*


Better than I could have said it. Starting in the front of my face, Botox was shot right between my eyes. The doctor then made a pattern of injections across my forehead, my head above my ears, across the base of my skull and down my neck, into my shoulders.

While he did this, we kept up idle patter about homesteading. It was distracting, but it still hurt.

I felt a little sick afterwards, though that could be the mildly scared crash after a bad scare. You think that you are out of the Halloween corn maze, but you heard people scream right about-

This was my second treatment. The first one had been hell. I was warned that, for the first 3 -10 days, I would feel like I was dying as the Botulinum attacked my nervous system. I marked the date on the callendar that I would be free, always tomorrow, but at two months, I got worried. It had changed, but it had changed to worse.

I have been a Disabled Vet since I was 19 years old, discharged in 1996. They just discovered the bone spurs in my spine last year. The whiplash that started the migraines was 2.5 years ago. Initially, I could maintain, but suddenly I was acutely aware of weather patterns. My migraines are daily, and only ease off to make my neck feel broken.

Supposedly, the answer is a second treatment…. With more Botulinum.

The first time, I spent the rest of the day of the injection wondering what the fuss was about, followed by three days of being too painfully sick to move. That eased off to a soothing ‘Who-hit-me-in-the-head-with-a-hammer?’ for two months.

There is a chance that, as you read this, I am wrapped in freakish misery, too pained to think.

The goal, a minor taste of Youth, of a time that my skull did not feel smashed. That, for me is worth the fear.

Links to deaths:

In September 2005, a paper published in the Journal of American Academy of Dermatology reported from the FDA saying that use of Botox has resulted in 28 deaths between 1989 and 2003, though none were attributed to cosmetic use.”*

“On February 8, 2008, the FDA announced Botox has “been linked in some cases to adverse reactions, including respiratory failure and death, following treatment of a variety of conditions using a wide range of doses”, due to its ability to spread to areas distant from the site of the injection. In April 2009, the FDA updated its mandatory boxed warning cautioning that the effects of the botulinum toxin may spread from the area of injection to other areas of the body, causing symptoms similar to those of botulism.”*

“In January 2009, the Canadian government warned that Botox can have the adverse effect of spreading to other parts of the body, which could cause muscle weakness, swallowing difficulties, pneumonia, speech disorders and breathing problems.”*


People like to say that good or exhilarating things ‘make you feel alive,’ but that’s a lie. Chronic Pain reminds you that you are alive. Really grindingly awfully alive. Life in every breath, more in this moment that any Zen master alive can achieve.




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